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I write this with a tonne of vulnerability, but I need to voice it so I can move on.

The past month or so I’ve been sitting in my very own shame shit storm. This picture, whilst looking like not much, represents so much for me.

In April I took a leap forward with my little business and amped up the game by taking on a beautiful space, one much bigger than what I’ve ever had to work with. You’d think I’d be beyond stoked and shouting it from the roof tops because it’s an accomplishment that I should be super proud of. I am proud, it’s a big thing, really big and it means I can take things to the next level. But for some reason, the fear and anxiety took over the excitement and instead of pride I felt shame.

Shame that I perhaps don’t have everything in place right now when IT’S TIME to get it cranking, because some things are taking longer than expected. Shame that I’m juggling more balls than I should be in order to make things work and I don’t feel like I have my shit together. Shame that I haven’t wanted to share this space with many people because it’s not the way I want it look right now and the perfectionist within who I work so hard to make a woman of practice (not perfection) has reared her ugly head and said ‘people will judge you if you haven’t nailed it Jacq’.

But the only judgement really, is my own.

I’m judging me all the way. Everyone else has been supportive, encouraging and understanding and all the while I’ve been tearing myself apart, in fear of not making this work. But it will work and my thoughts, right now, they’re going to change. Everything to date has worked itself out and this will too. It’s not perfect and it may take longer than I want it to, but practice and patience is far better than perfection and anxiety and I have to remember that.

So I promise myself from today, with a few more small steps on this journey, to practice kindness and let go of this immense shame. To give myself a pat on the back and look at where it’s all come from. And, most importantly, be excited for what is ahead, because I should be and I hope you will too.

This is the front of our little shop in Bondi, around the corner from where it all began with a healthy muffin at the Bondi Growers Market. We’re expanding our catering offering and making sure EVERYONE we possibly can has a taste of the beautiful food we create. We’ll offer workshops in our little space, and foster the community face to face again, because there is so much to be learned from that time together. We’ll have elegantly styled long table lunches, dinners and more. All in this space, this space that has my name on it. 

And I, we, will do all of this, with pride, because it will work out. I have to have faith in that, and I’m taking this moment, on this day to acknowledge it, and everything that I’ve worked hard for and that’s fallen into place just as it should have over the past few years of Brown Paper.

I am forever grateful for the support, love and pats on the back from everyone around me and today I’m going to do that for myself too.

Jacqueline Alwill

Jacqueline Alwill is a qualified, practicing nutritionist, personal trainer, whole foods cook and most importantly mother to Jet. She is committed to improving the health, wellbeing and happiness of all individuals.

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